I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
