so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can I color on your dick again?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
