I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Terrible idea I love it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
