There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
