Already got asked if we're dating
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
