I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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