My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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