I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
