Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
