Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
how do you play pong handcuffed?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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