Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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