just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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