Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need to calm my uterus...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
