I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
