You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
