My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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