I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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