Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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