I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
