All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
