I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
