listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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