I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
