I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
