My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
it's like iHOP with fire
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
