At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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