I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
