The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
