have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
