Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
