Fine. I'll sleep in my office
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize