My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
