your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
