Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
