just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
