Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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