Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
