We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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