i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
