wrigley field is MILF paradise
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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