awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
