you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
