i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
