I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
That reminds me...we need to get swords
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
