I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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