He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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