i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize