I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
