her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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