I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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