when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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