People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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