Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
