i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
