i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just threw up on my dentist
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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