If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
