Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
