making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
