I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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