What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
