What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
