Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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