mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize